Saturday, May 23, 2009

Runup to UPSC Prelims 2009...Part4

20 Days to Prelims 2009
I drag on with my preprations. Motivation? Minimal! Focus? Haywire! Frustation? Extremum! Will? Non-existent! Yet something continues to propel me towards the goal. May be it is the fear of shame. For long I have believed that getting into IPS is my dream and I have made others believe that too. If I abandon it at this stage without even giving it a serious try, what would everyone think of me. What would I think of myself.
With this convoluted mind I mess up my relationship too. It becomes a vicious cycle. I can't talk to anyone about my problem, With this pathetic state of mind I can't trust anybody.
Finally I have a long drawn talk with her. Tell her all I can. But it helps me only temporarily.
I can't even get a leave from work. One of the employees is on leave and the other one is under operation. I work 14 days without taking a day off because there is no substitute. Someone has to be there in LDC 24 hrs. There goes my preparatory. Finally the one on leave returns. I take my leave. Don't even tell my boss about it. Just like that!

Only 14 days to go. Am planning to go home for more conducive environment.

11 Days to go
I have decided to go home(dhanbad) next day. Still Packing my bags and all the books that I will need to study. Large portions of General Studies and Physics are still pending. Haven't even given a single reading. God knows what am I gonna do. Desperation mounts up.
Its 3 'O clock in the night. Can't sleep. Can't even study because I have got butterflies in my stomach. I don't know how it happens but whenever I have to go out of station I stomach flutters.Weird? I know!
All of a sudden this rapid chain of thoughts take over my mind. May be I should drop this idea of IAS. God, its going to be too tough. Even if I get through prelims mains would be a hard nut to crack. Making even a decent try asks for big sacrifices. I will have to give up my job in the middle of a recession and sit down in Delhi full-time preparing for the exam. And What if I don't qualify. I would be unemployed in times when companies are laying off. Shit this is too scary. If I must drop the exam I must take that decision now. There is no point folling myself and others by going through prelims. But the cost of making that decision would also be high. When I am going through a depression I cannot abondon the one thing I dreamt about so passionately. It may leave me in a worse state of mind.
I feel like a man who is about to commit suicide (drop the exam) and has put the gun to his head but can't pull the trigger. His instincts to live ( passion of IPS) stop his fingers. I was alomst on the verge of making the decision of leaving IAS and saying it out aloud when good sense prevails. I drop the gun and decide to live another day. I go to Mrityunjay's room and blurt out what I was just thinking. He smiles. Says it happens. I couldn't wait till next afternoon to catch the train to home. I catch the first bus at 4:30 AM for Dhanbad. Hope lingers on...

4 comments:

  1. A sincere attempt to portray human dilemma of breaching the wall before success. Am glad the hope still persists...

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  2. simple language mein bolun to..."tum chaapu ho be...chaap doge" :)

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  3. very well written sir....so vividly portrays the dilemma a fighter can through in the most difficult days of preparation..."Hope lingers on.."
    inspiring!!

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