Friday, May 22, 2009

Runup to UPSC Prelims 2009...Part3

Prelims 2009 ( 3 months ago)
The hangover of last Mains exam(2008) had worn off. I was going through one of the lowest points in my life. Frustrated from my desk job a sense of uselessness was all over me. A psychometric test designed to evaluate one's ability to control things threw up such dismal results that I almost wanted to kill myself. This was no free personality test offered over the Internet. And I knew in my heart even before I took the test what the results were going to be. Even then when results confirmed the worst of my fears I could not handle it. That day I understood how difficult it is to confront one's own fears.I was frustrated with everything, everyone, every act of mine. Things as small as the way I rode my bike, the way I socialized ( or didn't socialize) depressed me. I belittled myself and kept reinforcing the negative image I had formed of myself. The anger over myself often vented out on my sweetheart, which took away whatever little solace I could have had and made things worse.
In the middle of all this somehow I had hung on to the hope of making it to UPSC interviews. I kept preparing for interview when in fact I should have devoted time preparing for next Mains in advance. 4th of March, the bad news was finally there. My name wasn't there in the list of candidates called for interview. Desperation prevailed. I was now rethinking my decision to make another attempt. I wasted valuable time in preparing for interview which I should used to secure my chances in next exam. No amount of self-patting could bring up my mood. I brought a crate of beer cans. Had one each each night before going to bed. Helped me stop thinking and get a sound sleep. 10 days passed in vain. This was serious than just an "Identity Crisis". I knew I was going in depression. I could see the symptoms.
Less than 60 days to go for Prelims
Unable to find a way out I started my journey again from square one hoping remnants of last years preparation would help me out. Underlying was a hope of finding a way out of my messed up mind and have some clarity in thoughts.


  1. hmm..interesting...:)

  2. at this juncture even i feel the exact same feelings of desperation and self doubt .....3rd march 2011 , hoping for my name to be in the list of successful mains candidates, but it was not to be .....this blog gives me solace, but more importantly hope , hope that i can do it if i restart .....Thanks Rajiv , this has been a life saver ...Thanks !!

  3. Great post Rajiv... me too on the same path.
    By the way we were batch-mates in IITK, didn't know much about you that time :)
    Keep up the good work.
    GOD bless you :)